5 New Diagnoses Added to the DSM

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Sixth Edition (DSM-6) has added a few new specific diagnoses of which you should be aware.

Note: A mental health professional will need to give you an official diagnosis in order to get approval for support or treatment of health conditions. Government help is available, wherein extra money is deposited into your account, along with a free, prepaid iphone.

Cities such as San Francisco or Chicago typically give residents money anyway and you will not need to see a mental health professional.

My life coach, Euripides, has given me a written diagnosis of these and my government stipend is forthcoming.

This is a brief breakdown, but for more detailed info, please consult the 6th edition of the manual:

Fear of Unmasked Faces

Self-explanatory, but since the pandemic, which is not over, many folx have grown scared of the naked face. We call this a Fear Of Unmasked Faces, or FOUF. Persxns should know about this condition, suffered by many, and they should properly mask up during phone calls, FaceTime, and Zoom meetings.

Scared of Trump Running for Office /Obsessively Petrified of Trump Running Again

Also known as SOTRFO and OPOTRA., this is obvious and signs include convulsing at the sound of Trump’s voice, fainting at the thought of him in the White House, and uncontrollable vomiting/diarrhea when his name is mentioned. Highly common.

Terrified of Trump Being Allowed on Twitter

In the medical community, something commonly known as TOTBAOT. Symptoms include hypertension,, shaking, trembling, and saying the phrase, “I literally can’t even” over ten times a day.

Person Of Oppressed Prettiness

This is something I suffer from daily. Referred to as POOP, it means you identify as oppressed, but others refuse to recognize your affliction because of your beauty.

It’s one of the most difficult illnesses to treat because others are involved. I suggest a full scope of treatment for your inner circle.

Fear of Not Being Vaccinated

This terror caught on after the vaccine was rolled out. Certain members who refused to get the shot were often ostracized by their families and with good reason- if you didn’t get vaccinated, you were surely spreading germs and virus particles, killing everyone in your path like a tornado sweeping over the plains of the mid-west. 

Those who refused to be around unclean, I mean unvaccinated people, suffered from Revulsion of Unvaccinated People and experienced diarrhea, shaking, generalized anxiety, and a persistent visceral reaction from the idea of a person walking around without a Covid vaccine circulating through their bloodstream.

Conversely, the Terror of Lack of Boosters encompasses those who need to be first in line for the next round of boosters. They suffer from an irrational fear of death if they are not up-to-date with any vaccination, even if pharmaceutical companies only tested the new vaccine on 8 mice for safety.

Those who suffer from this are often convinced they are coming down with Covid (again) and it’s recommended they live in isolation.

The updated DSM will be published early next year.